Thursday, March 22, 2007

300


By Janine Ashbless

“Then the gods did say unto Janine Ashbless, Mortal often hast thou questioned the reason for thy existence, and now we shall give thee the answer. Rejoice, for there shall be a movie made in the very image of a Frank Miller graphic novel.

And Janine Ashbless did say, Oh cool. I shall watch it.

Then the gods did say, And that movie shall be called 300, for it shall be about the heroic Spartan stand against the mighty Persian army at Thermopylae. And lo, there will be much bloody swordplay.

And Janine Ashbless did say, Oh, Yeah!!

Then the gods did say, And King Leonidas shall be played by Gerard Butler – whom we shall afflict with an horrid beard, for fear that otherwise thou might drop dead on the spot for pleasure. As it is thou shalt have to be peeled off thy cinema seat and thy limp body carried from thence by two strong men*.

But Janine Ashbless said nothing, for the blood had run from her brain and she was no longer capable of human speech.

All these things came to pass and Lo: it was very good.”


300 : It’s violent. It’s stylised. It reeks of testosterone. It has 300 buff men wearing nothing but leather codpieces. It has GB and Dave Wenham and more sculpted abs than a gay gym. Finally - proof that this is a benevolent universe after all.

xxx
Janine ‘Practically Snuff’ Ashbless

* It takes two men because they both have crap knees, not because I’m lardy. Honest.

10 comments:

Mathilde Madden said...

Ha ha. I read a review of this film (in Heat, I believe) that said that the costumes looked like they were designed by someone who worked the rest of the time on gay porn.

Oh yes, thought I.

Olivia Knight said...

I can't wait. I might be divorced if I go see it on my own, but then salivating over 300 men in front of my lover might also be grounds for divorce (especially if my husband were there at the time).
I had such high hopes for Troy - Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom - and found it a ghastly disappointment, the only redeeming shot being the careful attention paid to Mr Pitt's bottom. Two hot men in a drama of antiquity seemed too good to be true - and it was. Have the gods really declared that 300 shall not only be full of breathtaking sweaty muscular men but also well-directed with decent dialogue? Or am I holding out for a Platonic Ideal never realisable on our earthly plane? How about if we fly up to the heavens *in* a plane and then watch it?

Erastes said...

I read a review of this film (in Heat, I believe) that said that the costumes looked like they were designed by someone who worked the rest of the time on gay porn

*Giggling* Heat obviously don't realise they've done a good deal to encourage people to go and see it.

Oh Hubba Hubba. I've been looking forward to this.

RWDay went to see it last week and her husband whispered "Spartans in Speedos"

Like that would put anyone off...

However, she is a member of Pennsic and is dreading an influx of lardy Hairy Americans thinking that wearing a leather codpiece is going to transform them into Spartans in Speedos...

Can't wait to see it. *shorts out keyboard with the drool *

Wonderfully funny post, btw.

t'Sade said...

I've had a slew of friends all tell me to watch this. Its a bit bloody for my mate, but I'm planning on sending myself to enjoy it and wallow in the yummyiness that is apparently part of the movie.

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

I've heard so many things about the historical innaccuracies that I'm not sure I can handle it... :-(

(What were you people thinking when you allowed that new Robin Hood show to be made, anyway?! [twitch])

Sabrina Luna said...

Saw 300 & enjoyed it! Yes, it has computer-generated gore, but the 300 hot bods, good story & excellent cinematography are worth it!!! :)

Just my $1.01, for what it's worth!

Kate Pearce said...

Haven't seen it yet-I'm waiting for Mr Kate Pearce to get back from Hong Kong and come with me-just for research purposes obviously...

Olivia Knight said...

I am not being divorced. I am getting a divorce. He has arranged a boys night out to see 300 to which I am not invited. Now personally I think there's something a bit gay about him and his sexually dubious mates bonding over the bulging pecs of blood-encrusted warriors, but I guess it takes all types.
Now recently single, am accepting applications from toned, powerful, sweaty men of arms; possible multiple part-time positions available.

Janine Ashbless said...

It's not a flawless film. I have a list of things I'd have done differently if it had been up to me - and I'm not just talking about a super-extended Leonidas/Gorgo sex scene.

But god is it beautiful. The battle scenes are magnificent: carnage as ballet.

Dayle: it's not supposed to be a historically accurate epic. It's the film of Frank Miller's graphic novel, which is another thing entirely. Just enjoy.

TeresaNoelleRoberts said...

It's hard for some of us to handle blatant historical inaccuracies. (See Erastes' comment about her friend the SCA member concerned about a influx of not-so-buff guys in leather codpieces and nothing else...this also crossed my mind.) Fortunately, this isn't a period I know that much about and as long as they're not dressed like Cavaliers or something, I can probably wince and let it pass if it's otherwise enjoyable. (As opposed to say, Troy.)