Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Crush Wednesday

From Alana Noel Voth, a message despatched by pigeon post to Lust Bite Island, and brought to you via the wonders of science:

I was in my mid-twenties when I got hooked on a TV show called The X Files. I used to stay home Friday nights to watch it. Before The X Files was hip and commercial, when it was still underground and cultish, I watched it. No one knew what I was talking about.

"X what?"

The general assumption was I meant porn.

My version of porn. After all, I remember lying on the couch with The X Files flickering in front of me, silver light and shadows, then suddenly I'd left the room and was on my knees sucking Fox Mulder's cock, or Fox Mulder had his mouth on my cunt.

It wasn't unusual for me to masturbate during commercial breaks either.

It also wasn't unusual for me to fantasize Fox Mulder fucking me from behind, fucking me on my side, fucking me missionary style. Fucking me. Or me fucking him in his small dismal apartment in Washington DC, straddling him on a ratty couch near a window marked with an X.

The X-Files was a little show on the Fox Channel about two FBI agents, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, who pursued the mysterious. The wacky and wicked. Frightful and freaky. Dangerous and perverse. The show was both spooky and slapstick. So was Fox Mulder.

Spooky Mulder they called him in college. Intelligent. Intense. Geeky. Articulate. Kinky. Lonely. Driven. Less than perfect.

Exhibit A: The big nose. His square jaw. Set of small bright eyes. Thin upper lip, pouty chapped bottom. Fox Mulder has the kind of face an artist conjures when she seeks perfection in flaws. I love flaws.

On the show, sexual tension brewed between the partners, Mulder and Scully. I used to write for Playgirl Magazine, and the first story I sold to them was my version of the Scully/Mulder screw. Mattress in an abandoned building, stained by a bit of blood, foul play. Damp darkness and white heat. Their limbs tied together like rope, lips bruised by kisses.

I coveted Fox Mulder for years. Still covet him now. Fox Mulder. Not David Duchovny. Not the actor. The character, Special Agent Fox Mulder. The only man on Earth I'd marry.

Why? Well I'd love to get into that. Here's a short but solid list, anyway.

1. Fox Mulder is never home. Surly I jest? Nah. A Special Agent spends eighty percent of his life chasing the truth that's out there, investigating mysteries and solving cases, which means this wife (me) gets to spend fifty percent of my time (I have a kid, remember) writing.

2. Fox Mulder is college educated and has written and published his dissertation. Call me pretentious, but I'm impressed. Know how many can't punctuate correctly let alone compose an entire thesis? For Mulder also reads. Travels the world. Has first hand experience with aliens and werewolves. Imagine all those intense conversations in bed after we've fucked.

3. He's amply employed. Always good in prospective husband material. After all, I'm a writer who made $150.00 last year writing.

4. He wears a long black trench coat. Nuff said. But leads to my next reason to marry Fox Mulder.

5. He's kinky. Watch enough episodes of The X-Files and it's evident Fox Mulder is not only a prime kinkster but hard up too, a mystery all in itself. Fox Mulder enjoys the services of phone sex operators; he frequents porn shops; and he'd probably hang out with me in a strip club too. Baby, lets tip the ladies.

6. He has a hot partner. Yeah, I'm talking about Dana Scully. The red head in quaint tailored suits. Imagine dinners with just the three of us. The conversation, the dessert.

Fox Mulder, only man on Earth I'd marry. Might explain why I'm still single. But in the meantime, who's your man, ladies, ldeal Husband Fantasy Fuck?

Do tell!


Anonymous said...

I relate to this so much. This is just how I feel about my current crush objects. The only difference is I have never been monogamous to one for anything like that long.

Nikki Magennis said...

- Alana, you should check out this post on Portia's blog.

Scully in a Twin Peaks moment...

Nikki Magennis said...

..sorry, I mean Mulder. Wonder why I got confused there... ; )

Portia Da Costa said...

Easy to see why you got confused, Nikki!

Was a great X Files fan in my time... and Fox was so cute... but at the risk of seeming boring and undersexed here, it was the stories and the plot arcs and the aliens and stuff I enjoyed the most!

I usually made a cuppa tea or a snack in the commercial breaks... LOL

Alison Tyler said...

One of my boyfriends played basketball at the Hollywood Y, and there was an actor on his team who I couldn't take my eyes off. Long dark hair, green eyes, amazing.

About crushes in general—I liked that scene in Sex & the City where the foursome discussed fantasy fucks and two named Russel Crowe (and before Russel Crowe? George Clooney). Another named her husband and the last named a busboy. I am much more of the busboy fantasy type -- I mean, I'll latch on someone who works in the produce section of the grocery store, or someplace like that.

But for years (and years and years) my number one fantasy fuck (although NOT fantasy husband) was a delivery man for the beauty supply store where I worked.

God, just totally fucking sexy.

Cheers, Alison

Janine Ashbless said...

I remember finding one episode of the X-files really sexy, and thinking "God yeah, I'd do him." Can't remember what it was that triggered this now ... I think Fox had been up all night and was looking really tired over his computer.

Doesn't sound very impressive now!

As for Russell Crowe - I loved him in Gladiator. Just perfect. Like an older version of Gerard Butler... (You can shut up about GB now Janine.)

Admitting I'm ignorant and British, I would like to know -what is a busboy? I picture someone who hangs around on buses collecting tickets but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong! ;-)

Portia Da Costa said...

I'm also British, and pretty ignorant too... but I've a feeling a busboy is a waiter.

Correct me if I'm wrong, US Biters!

Alison Tyler said...

Yeah, a busboy is sort of below a waiter. The guy (or girl, I suppose) who clears the tables, brings the waters. In Sex and the City, the character says she fantasized about a busboy who was rude to her. I don't know why, but I just liked that.

And Russel Crowe in Gladiator. Yesss. But also (for me) in L.A. Confidential. That was going to be one of my movie scenes, but I ran out of space.

I like that up-all-night look, too, Janine. But (ack, you'll all beat me up) I never saw the X Files. Not even once.

Karl Friedrich Gauss said...

Alana, Why paint yourself into a corner by saying that the only man you'd ever marry is someone who's a fictional character? You have no idea that there is not someone real who's enough like that to satisfy your every desire.

justjo said...

I'm trying to find a picture of Ronon Dex from Stargate Atlantis. Not sure if I can paste it here - and strangely there's no great link. The actor's name is Jason Momoa, but I think Ronon is far more exciting. Anyone?

I know this is long but worth it if it works!

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you my ideal fantasy fuckhusband. Because he's somebody I met once, well, twice. And we wrote each other songs and stories and made long long cross-Atlantic phone calls.

His voice was beautiful, his words were beautiful, his eyes and long slender body were beautiful. Brown eyes, black beard, long fingers. An Alabama boy, with the drawl to match.

I still dream about him, and there is a website I can look at when I'm feeling particularly wistful.

But just in case my real life fuckhusband reads this, I'm not even going to sign my name.

Shanna Germain said...

Well, I have to admit that I'm lucky enough to have a RL husband who still rocks my socks (after...uh, I should know this...twelve? years).

But if you twisted my arm (oh, no, don't...oh, okay...), I'd have to pick Sawyer from the TV-show Lost as my current husband-to-be. He's got a dark past (con-man and other dirty deeds) but, despite that, his values are in the right place. He reads books on the island, he's smart and sexy as all get out AND you just know he's got one hell of a big (but carefully protected) heart. Plus, he's a bit of a loner, like me, so I'd get enough time to write my little heart out.

I'm sure I've had other husbands-to-be over the years, but never on real people. Crushes, yes, all the time. Busboys, bike messengers, baristas, produce boys...the list is probably eternal. But I guess my husband standards are pretty high :)


Alison Tyler said...

Oh, yes, produce boys...

Anonymous said...

(Mmm-hmm. Sawyer.)

Bored housewife, 34, own extensive collection of digital smut pics WLTM easily confused man with pullable hair. Must be fictional

I love fictional men. They so often come with their fictional man pain, which is extra delicious.

Take a couple of current crush-pots of mine: The deliciously mentally destroyed Gaius Balter, or the perma-tortured 'I have literally been to hell and back' Angel.

I am so deeply about the crushing and the love.

Also, I have written about the sheer magnitude of my capacity to crush-love before

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

Heh. My husband just got his hair cut and he looks like Sawyer. (Most of the time he looks like Liam Neeson, esp as Qui-Gon.) And he worked in a grocery store for seven years in college.

Back off, ladies. I saw him first. ;-)

As for fantasy men, I refer you to my journal, specifically this entry (, which contains a picture that my above-mentioned husband took for me at a recent Styx show. He (Lawrence Gowan, not my husband) was the inspiration for the hero in Sarah's and my forthcoming Cheek novel, A Little Night Music. He also really likes my breasts. Lawrence, that is. Well, and my husband, too. :-)

Kate Pearce said...

Love Russell Crowe in Gladiator-just want to lick him, sweat blood and all...

and this is sad but true-I have a long and enduring crush on Take That-including Robbie but excluding Gary-I saw them on Pebble Mill before they were famous and...well

ADR Forte said...

Why do we like tormented boys so much?

My current crush is all brains and anal-retentive competitiveness and silent anger. And the inner bad boy he tries so hard to ignore.

From what I've heard these guys make lousy husbands. Mr. ADR is anything but tormented which is probably why I'm still married to him.

But what's with the wildly lustful attraction to the angst-ridden, lonely, pouty ones?

Anonymous said...

*shuffles feet* Um, Kate, I went to see TT live. I still have the programme. I actually have a TT necklace.

I was young. But not really young *enough* to get away with it.

It wasn't our fault, Kate, they did it on purpose, the little teases.

justjo said...

Sigh. Angel. Nobody's better than Angel.

Especially David Boreanaz who seems so well-rounded and wholesome!

Nikki Magennis said...

Re Produce boys:

I had a very brief fling (read, one night stand) with a guy once. We didn't exchange names, let alone numbers. I thought I'd never see him again.

Only - turned out he worked in the grocer's downstairs from my flat. Buying courgettes, cucumbers or carrots has never been so blood-curdlingly embarrassing.

Oh yes, and Sawyer. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Anonymous said...

Forgive me if this comes out incoherent, I'm a rather dripping mess at the thoughts behind this. If you're not in a forgiving mood a good spanking wouldn't go amiss!

Anyway, my two long (well one long, one starting to get there) all time fantasy fucks (and Domme and Dom) are Michelle Pfeiffer and Roger Federer. With both of them it's a combination of their beauty, their (apparently) unselfconscious poise and elegance of movement and their (also apparent) focus on the job at hand.

A big part of me want that focus to be me. Whether it's kneeling at their side, or being driven insane by forced orgasm after forced orgasm, or by stimulation and denial, or by the doubtless wonderful mix of pleasure and pain as I'm tied, chained or whatever before them for their delight... The bit of me that deserves to be spanked hard also wonders what they're like when that poise slips and their in orgasmic bliss.

There are other bits too. I like that Michelle Pfeiffer is a woman of quite principle (and sexy singing voice). I like that Roger Federer is still with his partner despite the fact he's incredibly wealthy and he doubtless has loads of prettier young things willing to throw themselves at his feet, or in his bed.

I have some other people I'd love to love and fuck too, Jorja Fox (I'd love that smile to be directed at me in the mornings), Sawyer, mmm yes, Amanda Tapping (it's another smile thing), Dave Vanian (lead singer of The Damned - it's another "I love the way you move" thing), but thoughts of Roger and Michelle are going to drive me to find a vibrator and release this tension... laters!


Suzanne Portnoy said...

Hey, and I'll let you in on a little secret as well - Fox Mulder has a big curve in his big cock. (This from a friend who had the pleasure of seeing it.)

Olivia Knight said...

I've spent many happy hours trying to choose between Legolas and Aragorn. Aragorn, sweeping back the doors and slouching in the doorframe in The Two Towers, was topping the bill for a while... That moment never fails to make me clench involuntarily and go all gooey. But as husband material goes: Aragorn would fling open the doors (mmm...), stomp in with mud all over his boots, seize you in his arms, carry you off to bed, ravish you powerfully and endlessly... And then go off to battle, leaving you with muddy floors and sheets. Hmm. Whereas Legolas, who would infinitely more subtle in all matters, would not only *not* truck in mud, but would lift the ornaments when he dusted.

I was spared the impossibility of choosing by this - the long-promised pic:

And if you like that, there's oh-so-much-more at

Hobbits, anyone?

Olivia Knight said...

Correction - the jpg link only leads you to a thumbnail. The full desktop-sized pic is

I always think, if Aragorn were to bend his elbow just a little, his nipple would exactly kiss Legolas's... Yes, I have thought about this picture carefully. A lot. Often.

Anonymous said...

Gawd, Olivia, I do love me the slash fan art

Many thanks

Fiona Locke said...

Fox Mulder... Mmmm... He can pin me down and do me from behind and I wouldn't complain. Well, I would, but only to have him tell me I was gonna get it anyway...

**ahem** OK, I admit I like it rough, but my villains must be intellectuals. Ideally with glasses. But I really have a thing about voices. So I'll take Jeremy Irons too. Just blindfold me and have him tell me off in that silky, sultry voice. Or Christopher Lee circa 1970s. Patrick Stewart. **swoon** Alan Rickman. Oh, and Sharon Stone - just her voice, though.

kristina lloyd said...

Suzanne, I'm so glad you joined us. We need salacious gossip like this.

Got any more? I won't tell a soul, I promise.

Alison Tyler said...

Hey Fiona,

I had the sexiest dream about Alan Rickman last night. And I don't even think I thought he was sexy before that.


Dayle A. Dermatis said...

You know, Aragorn only really does it for me in that exact scene you describe, Olivia!

Mmm, Alan Rickman!

A friend of mine finally figured out that what did it for her was voices, Fiona. Especially British voices, including Christopher Lee, Frank Langella, The Beatles...

If I have a type, it's bad boys. Not angsty boys or "come and bail them out of jail" boys, but the ones with the wicked sparkle in their eyes. Lawrence Gowan once, when I confronted him about something he did to me during a concert, grinned cheekily and said, "Oh, I'm just a bad boy" and I swear, if we hadn't been in the middle of a crowded party...

Alison Tyler said...

Oh, wow, Frank Langella...

I saw him on stage once in "Les Liaisons Dangereuses" at LATC. And, oh, my fucking god. He was just unreal.

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Hey Kristina

Lots more. But I can't give it away all at once. That would be like cuming in 5 minutes. Patience, m'dear.