by Janine Ashbless
Yes, I do: I love pirates. Not real ones, of course. Not the drunken murderous disease-ridden bastards with dental hygiene that would make you heave. Fictional pirates. The ones in films and books and TV. The ones that go "Aar!" a lot.
And why do I love pirates? Well, here's Exhibit A (You knew he was going to turn up so let's get it over with).
I like the flamboyance. I like the fact men can wear make-up and really sexy clothes and strut about showing off. In fact I reckon Pirates is really Camp for Straight Men.
I like the swords and the swashbuckling. I like the accent: I can't do any accent except the pirate one, which I could keep up all day.
Aar, Jim lad.
And most of all I love the tough scary pirate women who get to hang out with the guys and act in a most unladylike manner.
But for me it goes back further than Pirates of the Caribbean. To Cutthroat Island, which is universally derided as a Very Bad Film - but OH! GEENA DAVIS IN THAT DRESS!
I loved that dress, with or without Pirate Morgan in it. I loved it so much I had a version of it made and have worn it to a number of events and conventions. It suits me. It may be the only style of clothing that suits me. (And the rule with that dress? No knickers.)
But pirate clothing suits everyone. Even quite ugly people become strangely cute in pirate costume.
In fact when I rule the world dressing like a pirate is going to be compulsory.
And pirates always look like they're having fun (except when marooned). I mean, doesn't this just look like the most fun in the whole wide world?
Oops - are we allowed to post that kind of picture on Lust Bites? That's a still from the imaginatively-titled Pirates, which at $1 million was the most expensive high-production-value porn film ever made. Previous pirate films tended to be a bit tamer...
Have I mentioned singing yet? Once you get them on the grog, pirates love to have a bit of a sing-song. This one at right sings for the New York Opera:
And as for the Pirates of Penzance, you just can't shut them up. (Seriously - watch all that Youtube clip: it grows increasingly mind-boggling as it goes along.)
So let me know if you love pirates too!
And if you want to see a picture of me in my costume it's just over here on my blog.