On the Ninth Day of Christmas . . .

. . . my true love sent to me:

Nine Naughty Dares
(for a brand new year!)

9. Expose yourself to nature. Lie naked in the snow. Make love on the beach. Find a forest, a secluded park, or even a vacant lot, and get naked with someone you adore. The sand in your crack and the sticks in your hair will be worth it.

8. Purge your panties. Get rid of all your old underwear that have holes and stains, and all the scratchy, fancy ones that looked fabulous on that Victoria's Secret model but make you feel like you have a weird rash. Buy silky soft things that make you feel beautiful. Or nasty. Or just comfortable in your own skin. (I really need to do this, by the way - my underwear is a schizophrenic mélange of ancient baggy parachute panties and impossible nylon slingshots.)

7. Explore new openings. If you've always shied away from oral sex, or you've never tried sex through the "back door," try a new adventure. Let someone venture where no man (or woman) has gone before. Hint: Anal is the new black.

6. Confess to a stranger. I've always been fascinated by the idea of revealing my deepest, juiciest fantasies to someone I've never met before. This is why I like to whip out my cell phone on the bus and yak at the top of my lungs about the results of my yearly exam. Seriously, though, I think the idea of the sexy secret has gone the way of the handwritten love letter -- we're so over-exposed that we've lost the art of secret revelation. Why not tell the mailman that he looks a lot like your high school band director, and that for some reason this gets you incredibly hot?

5. Blog your fantasies. Make this a public variation of #6, or create a blog for a few intimate friends. Write sexy poems, invent scandalous scenarios, disclose embarrassing crushes. Record those dreams that make you wonder if you really do need therapy.

4. Go bald. If you've never tried shaving (I'm not talking about legs or armpits here), why not give it a try? Smooth can be beautiful (and yes, it itches like hell when it grows out, but only temporarily). Try combining #4 with #8 and #9, then see #6.

3. Adopt a paraphilia. No, this isn't one of those straggly houseplants that you find hanging around in old macramé planters; it's an obsessive love of something sexual. There are all kinds of strange, delightful, twisted obsessions out there. I'm personally fond of merinthophilia, the love of being tied up. Or you can cultivate a love of armpits (maschalophilia), or being stared at (ophthalmophilia). It's sort of like discovering a new hobby, only your friends will be much more interested in hearing about it (see #6).

2. Shift the balance of power. If you're always on top, try being on the bottom. If you tend to lead, try following. If you're always on all fours whimpering like a puppy, take a turn as the queen bitch. And if you have an insatiable drive to tie up your lovers and spank them . . . send me an email.

1. Ball-gag your inner critic. Isn't it time you silenced that voice that tells you to keep your legs crossed, scolds you when you masturbate, and tells you not to expose yourself on public transportation? This is the voice that keeps telling me to lose weight, stop writing smutty stories for total strangers, and go to church to meet nice men. Face it, I'm never going to be thin, stop writing smut, or meet Lord Spanksalot at a church potluck. Or maybe I'll do all three . . . who knows, it's a new year.

Happy 2008!


Love, Anne Tourney

* * *

Eight vamps a-vamping

Seven Stetsons swinging

Six purring pussies

Five silver rings

Four bloody men

Three hundred Spartans

Two detectives dancing

And a werewolf tied to a tree!



Photo Credits: Woman with very cold bewbies from Snowbabes.com; Indian temple babes wearing sexy underwear from Hat.net; Nude for Mallarme's "Pages," etching by Auguste Renoir; Girl switching naughty boy from FemDomUtopia; Ball-gag from Passionshop.com