Monday, November 24, 2008

Well I Never Did...

by Janine Ashbless

Alas, the final demise of Lust Bites is soon approaching ... and so much is left unsaid. You may not realise it but behind the scenes we're constantly discussing who is going to post on what, poking each other with ideas and trying to work out what it is that people really want to see. (We also worry about our deadlines and complain about the weather. See, it's all glamour in this business.)
Some of our plans do make the grade and crawl out into public view but some never got the chance. My Crush Wednesday post on Nice Guys will languish unwritten for example - damn-it, you all just wanted to gush about Bad Boys! My report on the Erotica 2008 expo (this weekend just gone) dropped dead the moment they confiscated my camera. You will never hear about my Kilt fetish. And the article on Minotaur Sex ... well, all I'm saying is you should all be very grateful...

And I've spent so many hours trawling the interweb for photos to use that I've got this virtual attic stuffed with pictures of various sorts: Coming Attractions, gratuitous man-candy, armpit porn and some serious weirdness. Since they're never going to see the light of day in an article I thought I'd pull some out from between the rafters, blow off the dust and let you glimpse what might have been. Or wonder along with me what the bloody hell I was thinking of, frankly.

Obviously some of these pictures were never going to appear because they were just too damn rude. I can't show you those. Not on a respectable blog like Lust Bites.

Others are good clean healthy fun. The Sports Council would certainly approve.

Other pictures ... well, there's just no excuse for this sort of thing:

A healthy mind in a healthy body?

Best to make sure.
Take a good close look.

I've asked the other Lusties what they've been saving for a rainy day ... so today's post is a special extending one - keep popping back during the day and hopefully there will be even more photos to make you blush, grin, wince or wash your mind out with soap.

Over to you, Lusties!

Madeline Moore here. What a lovely collection of pictures Janine! I have nothing of the sort to share, but I do have the following post, which was inspired by Kristina Lloyd's post on the word 'Cunt.' As you can see, I ran out of steam part way through, and it has languished ever since.

Fuck - an essay by Madeline Moore

I swore like a sailor until I met Felix Baron. He didn’t tolerate it from his wives or his children and he certainly wasn’t going to tolerate it from me. When Felix was a kid he spent two years in the British Army. It was then that he decided he wasn’t going to speak in such a filthy tongue. After he bested a couple of soldiers at fisticuffs, his position was accepted. When it was time to go home, more than one soldier came to him for help. ‘Hit me whenever I say fuck,’ they’d insist. In no time, their arms were black and blue. Not that Felix hit me when I said, ‘Fuck.’ He just frowned.

Since I was dedicated to being the perfect companion to him I stopped immediately. It helped that seeing Felix left me tongue tied. I rarely spoke above a whisper and then managed only the simplest, mono-syllabic words.

Felix wrote a short story in which the Master puts his slave up for auction because she has a ‘dirty mouth’. The story arrived via email, in parts. I almost wept at the part where the auction actually took place. Was Felix warning me that he’d leave me if I didn’t watch my mouth? In the end it turned out the Master was the man who’d placed the bid via telephone. So he bought back his own slave, properly chagrined. Surprise!

I’m not saying I’m not ever to use the word. It’s a perfectly acceptable verb. I’m simply being asked to use it correctly; not as an adjective or an adverb.

I’m a nut for language so that sits well with me. Also, now I have to think about my adjectives, which makes them more colourful and, always, more apt. What are, after all, fucking shoes, or fucking keys, or a fucking ice cream cone?

You’d think motherhood would’ve forced me to speak well. Actually, it did, but once my kids started using the word (they learned it at school, I swear) I’d been freer to use it again. Plus, I’d always peppered my speech with fucks among adults.

It was my generation that made it typical to see ‘fuck’ scrawled across walls, lockers, magazines, coming out of the tv, constant on the screen, bleeped out of interviews, and not bleeped out of interviews. We made the word a household name. Now what?

It’s a good hard word that probably doesn’t have its origins in ‘for unlawful carnal language.’ (Insert Bit on the etymology.)

And it fits well in fiction: (insert a coupla hot uses of the word fuck as a verb)

But it doesn’t belong before every verb and noun known to man...

Hmmm. I also tried to put together a post that would share our porno names with the world - but it didn't fly. Here's how it's done. Take the name of your first pet and add it to the name of the first street you lived on. Voila! All I can tell you is this:

Madeline Moore's porno name is - Muffy Lorette.

Janine Ashbless' porno name is - Maria Mavin.

Kate Pierce's porno name is - Georgie Dangan.

Madelynne Ellis' porno name is - Tinker Huntley Terrace.

Jamaica Layne's porno name is - Bluebell Hamlet.

I was gonna do some more fun things in the 'Name Game' post, I swear. But maybe it's just as well I gave it up when I did.

xoxo Madeline Moore

Hm, for my part, I guess you'll never get to see the Adventures of Erotic Writer Mum, complete with stick figure drawings in a comic strip style, or my post on dialogue featuring lots of film clips, *grin* including this one. Totally love this film. Note: Not work safe and somewhat gory and grotesque!

Suppose I can add a few of the piccies I'd hoarded too.

Oh, and this one, which I was saving for a post on auto-erotica.

Ah, yes, the things I watch in the name of research. Those who have read it may recall this scene in Phantasmagoria.

Best, Madelynne Ellis xx

Well there was this post I wanted to do about feminism and what it meant to women in the new century, but I was too scared to do it, because I 'suspected' (after the sex wars week) that it 'might' cause a few problems. But I still wish I'd done it.
and there were a couple of photos I hoarded all to myself because...well, I wanted to enjoy them all by myself.
There's this one:

I could've written a whole post about my love for David Beckham, and told you all about how I saw him play this year in Oakland California against the San Jose football team. And he took off his shirt and set up a goal for Landon Donovan-but I probably would've bored you with all that.

I definitely mentioned my love for Robbie Williams, but I don't think I shared this picture. It really should've gone into one of the bad boy posts. And I think that's about it from me! LOL
Kate Pearce xx


Janine Ashbless said...

Damn - just think, we could have been calling you "Muffy" all this time!
You had a pet called Muffy? What were your family thinking of?!

Madelynne Ellis said...

Those centaurs always frighten me...

Nikki Magennis said...

Aw, wish I could have read the unwritten posts! Still, the pictures tell a thousand words ...

Deep in my dusty hard drive, I have a half-written something called 'Pornotopia' that I never quite worked out.

Janine Ashbless said...

Madelynne - that contortionist photo is terrific. I want to see the Adventures of Erotic Writer Mum!

And Pornotopia too ... It sounds like an interesting place. Can one get a tourist visa? What is the local currency?

Jeremy Edwards said...

What is the local currency?

Well, let's see ... isn't that simply the verb version of the "pound"? Or perhaps it's the in-your-face-explicit "frank"? Then there are the specialized currencies for watersports enthusiasts—I allude, of course, to the "uro" and the "mark."

Madeline Moore said...

Love this post, so far, especially the photos.

Yes Janine, we had a dog named Muffy. We were just happy prairie people who didn't know all the nicknames for private parts. In fact my mother was a nurse, so we used her terms for bodily functions etc., confusing the neighbour kids to no end.

Muffy had a habit of sleeping in the middle of the road so...we didn't have Muffy for long. I once wrote a short story about my family called 'Pet and Housekeepers' as we went through a lot of them while growing up...poor things.

Madeline Moore said...

Jeez Tink, that really is a bizarre video. I predict that our own Olivia will find the elephantman unsettling as well.

I guess my post on 'fuck' should have referred to 'for unlawful carnal knowledge' rather than 'for unlawful carnal language', or the post should have been on the word fucl.

Had I finished it I woulda proofread it!

Kate Pearce said...

Well this is fun! Loving all the secret photos-and the way we all just 'happened' to have a few tucked away. Madelynne, that picture of the guy doing himself-awesome. I wasn't sure I believed it when I read it in the book!

Madelynne Ellis said...

Oh, believe it, Kate. There are whole websites devoted to it, complete with video evidence.

I'm rather partial to a bit of Robbie too.

Janine Ashbless said...

Ah, I knew you'd come up with the goods Jeremy!

Robbie's good - tattoos, muscles, wit and angst. Not a bad combo. And his voice is way better than Beckham's.

But I feel bad about poor road-dozing Muffy. Last night I watched "Survivors" in which 99% of the world's population gets killed off by flu. Upsetting? the only thing that I could think about were the poor dogs trapped in houses.

Madeline Moore said...

Funny Janine. I was just complaining to Felix that the young people in 'Smallville' and 'The Sarah Connors Chronicles' are always angst-ridden and never have any fun.

We've decided to create a NEW superhero that has a lot of fun. He's a Canadian superhero so he rescues animals and punishes litterbugs. So, no fear about those poor dogs in your TV show - SuperGuy will save them!

JamiSings said...

I have to admit for a second there I was afraid that this was somehow the closing of the blog.

Um - nothing dirty on my computer, I deleted it all before I got my new one cause I was trying to make a break from certain things. I do have some screen captures of Mr. Spock without a shirt on. That's about it.

And my porn name would be Bitty Ester. Actually, if you go to you can make a "porn ID". I love that movie. It made granny panties cool. And since I'm a dedicated granny panties wearer that just thrills me.

The centaur pic - freaky! And the contorionist reminds me of Randel's story about his cousin in the movie Clerks and how he died trying to give himself a blow job.

abc said...

Thanks for these horded pics and unfinished posts. They are heaps of fun.

I have much appreciated the stimulating posts on this site, and the work put in by the lustbites ladies.

Did you ever post on Intellectual Men? I'm sure your opinions on smart and sexy guys would've been fun.

Best wishes to all!

Janine Ashbless said...

Damn. Yes, we should have.I love Intellectual Men!

Think of all the CSI guys people could have drooled over. And Giles. Dr Suresh. "Big Bang Theory" - well, okay, maybe that's stretching things a bit...

Ah, so much to do and never enough time...

t'Sade said...

Very sad. :( But, lovely pictures. Keeps me distracted from the tears. So many stories, so many things to talk about.

Jamaica Layne said...

Ooohhh----yummy yum yum. Great pics!

kristina lloyd said...

We had a pet dog called Cunt.

No, not really! Sorry to see the end of LB but this was a fun post. And Kate - Mat and I are here next week with a Massive Man Candy Monday so look out for, oh, one or two pics of Becks.

Lil said...

It has always been fun to read the posts here at LB. This post was no exception. Loved a behind the scenes peek of what ideas were tossed around regarding posts.