by Kate Pearce
(please note, this post contains nothing erotic whatsoever...it's just plain silly)
Once upon a time, before the internet, email, text messages, IM's and cell phones, there was pen and paper. Nowadays you can break up with someone in front of a cast of millions on Myspace or YouTube or text the shortest message possible: "We is thru 4ever, I is over u, u suck". Paper, however, is the stuff some writers use and the way the government still chooses to communicate bad news to us. I grew up in that age, and when I say grew up, I mean I entered my teens and twenties and found love, or what I thought was love...
Names have been changed to protect the innocent...)
It was great having that meal at the Chinese with you last Thursday after we missed the movie because your bus was late. I'm hoping you can help me with my problem. Because I went out with you I now have two girlfriends and I like you both-a lot!!! What would you say to me to help me know that you should be THE ONE?? Love S xx
Dear S, you don't have two girlfriends anymore. I resign. Hope this helps with your problem. Love Kate x
The Desperate to get away.
Dear Kate, thanks for our fun evening at the movies watching Pink Floyd's "The Wall". It was a great movie wasn't it? I'd like to apologize again for getting us lost in the seediest part of Soho for half an hour when I couldn't find my car. By the way, you might not be hearing from me for a while. I'm off to Kenya. Honestly, I am. The fact that I didn't mention it last night was because I got all embarrassed about the Soho thing. I'll give you a call when I get back, in um, a year or so. Best C x
The Can't Take No for an Answer Guy
Dear Kate, yes, I have written this letter to you on 25 sheets of lined green perforated computer paper. I know it is long, but I really need you to 'understand' me. There is no way you could not want to go out with me and I've proved that in this letter. All quotes, (which are underlined in red, with page number and paragraph noted) are from "The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" which I know you must have read by now seeing as I've been leaving copies of it in your room for the last six months.
It is the best book ever written and it totally describes how you make me feel much better than I could because I'm a science student. Please feel free to comment on the text on the white lines between the green ones, not that you will need to comment, of course, because I have given you unanswerable PROOF as to why we are Meant To Be. All the best, your friend, soon to be boyfriend, A x
The Can't Take No for an Answer Guy part II
Dear Kate, I can't quite believe you aren't getting it yet. We are Meant To Be. Despite my three long letters, you still don't get me do you? And by the way, sending your friends around to reason with me, didn't work-although the little one was quite scary. She said they were doing me a favour because if you had come around, I would now have a black eye. I'm beginning to believe you are too misguided to understand our love.
I've decided to go out with another girl. Maybe that will bring you to your senses. While you think about that, please listen to the tape I've made you. It contains songs which describe my feelings at this moment. It starts with "You're as Cold as Ice" and finishes with "The Chain". Perhaps you will miss me more than you thought possible and ask me back. I'll be waiting...respectfully yours, A (Note no kisses)
Okay, I'm a fiction writer and I, um, might have 'embellished a little', but in essence, all these things did happen to me during the dating years. And I must also say, that these guys were all perfectly nice-just not for me.
So tell me, has anyone got anything to add to these sad, but true experiences? I'd love to hear about them. One lucky commentator will get to win one of my books!
Love and kisses
Monday, April 14, 2008
by Kate Pearce