Monday, April 14, 2008

Love Letters of the Desperate

by Kate Pearce
(please note, this post contains nothing erotic whatsoever...it's just plain silly)



Once upon a time, before the internet, email, text messages, IM's and cell phones, there was pen and paper. Nowadays you can break up with someone in front of a cast of millions on Myspace or YouTube or text the shortest message possible: "We is thru 4ever, I is over u, u suck". Paper, however, is the stuff some writers use and the way the government still chooses to communicate bad news to us. I grew up in that age, and when I say grew up, I mean I entered my teens and twenties and found love, or what I thought was love...

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...)

The Undecided.

Dear Kate,
It was great having that meal at the Chinese with you last Thursday after we missed the movie because your bus was late. I'm hoping you can help me with my problem. Because I went out with you I now have two girlfriends and I like you both-a lot!!! What would you say to me to help me know that you should be THE ONE?? Love S xx


Dear S, you don't have two girlfriends anymore. I resign. Hope this helps with your problem. Love Kate x




The Desperate to get away.

Dear Kate, thanks for our fun evening at the movies watching Pink Floyd's "The Wall". It was a great movie wasn't it? I'd like to apologize again for getting us lost in the seediest part of Soho for half an hour when I couldn't find my car. By the way, you might not be hearing from me for a while. I'm off to Kenya. Honestly, I am. The fact that I didn't mention it last night was because I got all embarrassed about the Soho thing. I'll give you a call when I get back, in um, a year or so. Best C x




The Can't Take No for an Answer Guy

Dear Kate, yes, I have written this letter to you on 25 sheets of lined green perforated computer paper. I know it is long, but I really need you to 'understand' me. There is no way you could not want to go out with me and I've proved that in this letter. All quotes, (which are underlined in red, with page number and paragraph noted) are from "The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" which I know you must have read by now seeing as I've been leaving copies of it in your room for the last six months.

It is the best book ever written and it totally describes how you make me feel much better than I could because I'm a science student. Please feel free to comment on the text on the white lines between the green ones, not that you will need to comment, of course, because I have given you unanswerable PROOF as to why we are Meant To Be. All the best, your friend, soon to be boyfriend, A x


The Can't Take No for an Answer Guy part II


Dear Kate, I can't quite believe you aren't getting it yet. We are Meant To Be. Despite my three long letters, you still don't get me do you? And by the way, sending your friends around to reason with me, didn't work-although the little one was quite scary. She said they were doing me a favour because if you had come around, I would now have a black eye. I'm beginning to believe you are too misguided to understand our love.

I've decided to go out with another girl. Maybe that will bring you to your senses. While you think about that, please listen to the tape I've made you. It contains songs which describe my feelings at this moment. It starts with "You're as Cold as Ice" and finishes with "The Chain". Perhaps you will miss me more than you thought possible and ask me back. I'll be waiting...respectfully yours, A (Note no kisses)


Okay, I'm a fiction writer and I, um, might have 'embellished a little', but in essence, all these things did happen to me during the dating years. And I must also say, that these guys were all perfectly nice-just not for me.

So tell me, has anyone got anything to add to these sad, but true experiences? I'd love to hear about them. One lucky commentator will get to win one of my books!

Love and kisses
Kate x

34 comments:

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

Hee hee! i'm surprised you didn't link to this!

Janine Ashbless said...

LOL!

Alas, the letter is dying or dead. I guess nowadays those of us who want to express our innermost selves on 25 sheets of computer paper (with song lyrics and pictures from our favourite TV shows) blog instead. God, that's frightening.

Olivia Knight said...

These cracked me up. I loved your expert solution of his problem, btw!

I remember in the last year of junior school, being part of a group that had a corresponding group in the boys' school. I swear somewhere someone had a rota as to who went out with whom on a weekly basis. Occasionally, a letter would get delivered for me - my name artistically scrawled in yellow highlighter then painstakingly outlined in black. The message would read something like "I think you're well fit can I be your boyfriend cos I really really like you." Then I'd examine the signature, puzzled, and ask my friend "Which one is he?", find out it wasn't the cute one with the blue eyes, and sit down to pen a very earnest response explaining that as he hadn't actually met me in person, only seen me across the school field, his feelings could only be illusory and the chances of us finding compatability were slim.

Of course, I've never written a desperate pleading loveletter in my life. Never. Not at all. Wouldn't know how to start one. Don't know the meaning of "Oh god please please please please please I love you so much can't you see we're Meant To Be?" Never phoned anyone and played songs over the telephone either. Never emailed a song in my life. Honest.

Janine Ashbless said...

Oh God, I just remembered ... I had a guy make me a bootleg tape of the soundtrack to Bladerunner (back in the days before DVD & the Net). I was quite pleased with the present, but it did not achieve the effect he desired.

Portia Da Costa said...

Smashing post! I love 'silly'... I can't remember ever getting any letters from blokes myself back in the day... I mebbe just didn't go for the literary types? LOL

Mathilde Madden said...

Do you have a number for the Hitch Hiker's Guide guy? He sounds wonderful...

Angell said...

I was one who wrote letters constantly. I adore writing on paper - I do believe it's a lost art. I have notebooks upon notebooks, some full, some half-empty, others just sitting there looking pretty. I don't know what it is, but it's just something I love (could also be that it's easier for me to write in notebooks and then translate to computer, as the computer is located in the bedroom and keyboard clacking keeps hubby awake).

The Hitchhikers Guy is hysterical. The first letter I ever got from a guy, I believe was in the third grade. And for all of elementary school, and some high school, I'd find little notes in my desk or locker. Some of them were very adorable (elementary school). The ones in high school (in my locker) were from friends, mostly. But they were all from guys.

I got love letters from my first boyfriend, but after that, each subsequent one only wrote in cards, and only on special occassions. And of course, then there's the break up letters cuz all men are essentially cowards.

But none of them were ever that entertaining.

Madeline Moore said...

Oh God no, not a trip down THAT memory lane...I have to say most of the 'break-u[' letters I received were guilty replies to my 'I'm breaking up with you and THIS is why, you prick'. I did receive a nasty one from one guy, but that was after I wrote, in my letter, 'I'd still like to be friends yada yada yada' (by which I merely meant I was voicing a cliche, but man that made him mad.)

One, the rock star, threatened to jam needles full of heroin into both arms if I didn't come back to him. I didn't. He didn't.

Now I get love letters, from Felix.
Much better. The first ever? It came on Valentine's Day, and it was titled 'This is not a Valentine'

Olivia Knight said...

The thing is, though, Kate, which you probably didn't realise, you actually were destined to go out with the Hitch-hiker. I had a chat with the elves and they were quite clear on this point.

Lil said...

Loved reading your post. The letters made me laugh.

One old love letter I received was from a guy who had not previously indicated he was at all interested in me. He was a friend and I never considered more. Was deeply shocked when I received a two page missive of dubious eloquence speaking of ever after. The words "I love you" were featured 31 times...bear in mind we were college age and according to his roommate my friend was sober at the time of writing.

Kate Pearce said...

Dayle-I forgot that guy! Perfect!

Janine, I miss those days somewhat. During our year apart when Mr Kate Pearce was doing another year at college, he wrote me about 200 letters and I kept them all-so romantic!

Kate Pearce said...

Olivia-I went to an all girls grammar school for the first 3 years of secondary school-the way the local public school boys expressed their interest in us was by stealing our hats and flinging them off the bus-go figure...

I've never written a love letter asking someone to come back to me-I wrote a few poems though and sobbed a lot to my favorite sad songs :)

Kate Pearce said...

Janine, it's okay-EVERYONE above the age of 21 has a tape somewhere...

Thanks Portia! sometimes silly is all I know...

Kate Pearce said...

Mathilde, I 'believe' he carried his fit of pique so far as to marry that next girlfriend, so rumor has it. Unfortunately we are no longer corresponding, although if he recognizes himself-call me? I'd love to apologize for kissing your best friend and getting drunk in front of your mother (all unsuccessful ploys to put him off me I swear) God, I was horrible.

Kate Pearce said...

Angell, I suspect some break up letters get more entertaining twenty years down the line than they were at the time :)
I love the idea of all your letters, a patchwork of love, maybe just waiting to be distilled into fiction?

Kate Pearce said...

Madeline-my first ever paper communication from Mr Kate Pearce came on Valentine's day too! Many many years ago in 1984 (screech I'm so old)

Interesting that you were doing all the breaking up there, Madeline...

Kate Pearce said...

Olivia-no, the elves are wrong-how did you guess he was a big LOTR fan too?

Kate Pearce said...

Lil, that's the thing, you see, Hitchhiker guy was my friend for 2 years at college and I liked him like that. When he decided he loved me instead and eventually walked away, I felt like Id lost a friend and I missed him!

Chessie said...

Oh boy, where do I start?

Let me think. Probably the scariest of love letters I've ever received came from J. He was a friend, I guess, but he started writing me notes in class in high school.

Each subsequent note was sealed in some way to make it more difficult to open. I remember the last one had an actual lock on it. I don't remember what the notes said, usually they were flattering about my intelligence, blah blah blah. Sometime after high school, he was arrested for stalking.

Then there was the one from the uber-religious "I'm sure God wants us to be together" guy. We met once at a conference, knew each other for maybe three days, and he sent me a package containing a religious self-help book, his framed picture, and a letter saying how he could feel God's hand drawing us together, and so on and so forth.

Then there was the final letter from yet another J. Actually, thinking back on it, all three of these guys were J's. I seriously needed to stay away from Js. Anyway, after dating for quite some time, this letter was hot and heavy, I love you so much I can't stand to be away from you, sexy sexy sexy, blah blah blah. Only to be followed by a phone call where he informs me that he has fallen in love with someone else, and now he doesn't know what to do. Good thing I knew what to do. His booty hit the curb faster than you can say jerk-wad.

And finally, the letter that was "the one". This time from my hubby. He defended the fact that vanilla ice-cream was my favorite flavor, insisting that vanilla is a real and valid flavor for ice-cream, not just an ice-cream flavor default and admitted that he liked vanilla best too.

That is true love.

Kate Pearce said...

Chessie! Keep away from the 'J's'! Keep away.

The guy with the lock on the paper? Very weird.
The religious guy?
Also Very Weird
The idiot who wrote you the letter and then fell in love with someone else?
His Loss
because you are obviously way too good for him.
My hubby's favorite flavor ice cream is Vanilla too :)

deboradale said...

The good thing about letters is they can be kept or destroyed and no one else ever has to know. Emails and text messages... I don't know. So impersonal and... permanent.

One letter I remember getting was from a guy I dated only a couple of times. He didn't have a car so I was the one who had to do the driving for our dates. Why? Because he couldn't afford a car. Why? Because he didn't have a job. Since he didn't have a job, guess who got the shock of her life when we went out to dinner and the bill arrived?

I didn't know that about him when we first met (at a party).

Anyway, one evening, after I ended things, he came to my house and left a note... under the wiper on my windshield. Yeah, like a ticket.

He said he knew he didn't have the best hair or the best clothes. And he knew he could have a better personality and sense of humor. He said that one day, he'd get a real job and a car and take me wherever I wanted to go. But for now, couldn't we just go someplace nice for dinner and talk it out? He said he'd wait until 9 and if I didn't pick him up by then, he'd assume things were really over.

PS. I didn't pick him up.

~Debbie

limecello said...

Hi Kate!
*laughs* I want to be the little scary one! I wish we still wrote letters! I'm missing out!
Um, generally I just bitch away the guys :X. I have a bad habit of self sabotage. If I get a super creepy guy, I usually glom on another guy friend. I generally get the creepers - the guy who doesn't talk, but hovers within your personal space constantly. (And either will end up in, or just got out of prison.) My friends sometimes inadvertently take care of my problem. This summer, a real creeper [with no balls] decided to go after me. A friend invited the creeper to a party (creeper provided free alcohol) - I left early b/c I had previous plans. Creeper asked "why'd she leave so early?" Friend A said "I think she's going out with 'guy who has too much money.' To which Friend B responded, 'No, I think she's going out with Harvard guy.' [Honest to God I did not put them up to it. I about died when they told me. Those nicknames/labels were also assigned by said friends, not me.] And all of this was after I walked in, saw him, stopped dead, then told him the reason why I didn't respond to his text message (asking me to call him), was because I don't read text messages.
... I'm a mean horrible person. :X

Kate Pearce said...

"Anyway, one evening, after I ended things, he came to my house and left a note... under the wiper on my windshield. Yeah, like a ticket.

He said he knew he didn't have the best hair or the best clothes. And he knew he could have a better personality and sense of humor. He said that one day, he'd get a real job and a car and take me wherever I wanted to go. But for now, couldn't we just go someplace nice for dinner and talk it out? He said he'd wait until 9 and if I didn't pick him up by then, he'd assume things were really over.

PS. I didn't pick him up. "


That is hilarious...I'm sorry, it was probably very traumatic at the time but-what damned cheek!!
Good for you Debbie :)

Kate Pearce said...

Limecello, good job you have such great friends-sometimes you definitely need them-like my scary Welsh roommate :)

Savanna Kougar said...

Kate, talk about chuckling a lot over your letters. I grew up in the age of penning letters, and I adore it. Although, no one else seems to appreciate my efforts, so I don't bother anymore.
In Junior High there was one guy, sweet, but I was definitely not interested in him romantically. No chemistry at all for me. But he would write the most wonderful letters, with beautiful poetry...too bad. I felt bad about having to keep telling him 'no' -- although with the way my life has gone I did that boy a favor!

Jeremy Edwards said...

Keep away from the 'J's'! Keep away.

It's guys like those who give us J's a bad name.

Kate Pearce said...

Savanna
"But he would write the most wonderful letters, with beautiful poetry...too bad. I felt bad about having to keep telling him 'no' -- although with the way my life has gone I did that boy a favor!"

I doubt it, but what a wonderful way to communicate-I wonder if he went on to become a famous literary genius? You were his first muse :)

Kate Pearce said...

Jeremy:

"Keep away from the 'J's'! Keep away.

It's guys like those who give us J's a bad name."

Yeah, like Judas

and um... Jesus

forget I said anything...

Chessie said...

I'm fine with J, guys. My brother is a J, I just can't seem to date one that is normal. I'm glad my dating days are over.

I bow to the good Js out there, just don't write me any letters.

Tess said...

I'm married to a J--he's wonderful, but I dated a J that was awful.

This was from a guy I went out with for a friend (my best guy friend). The guy was in high school and working at a funeral home.

I want to apologize for the interruption to that amazing kiss in the viewing hallway last night. I could tell you were as into the kiss as I was by the way you pulled away so quick, not trusting yourself.

The man that came flying through the doors on the gurney was an eighty year old heart attack victim. I have no control over when a client decides to go.

Wasn't it a coincidence you knew the ambulance driver who dropped off the body. Did he get you home safe?

Have you changed your phone number?

Kate Pearce said...

"The man that came flying through the doors on the gurney was an eighty year old heart attack victim. I have no control over when a client decides to go.

Wasn't it a coincidence you knew the ambulance driver who dropped off the body. Did he get you home safe?

Have you changed your phone number?"


ARE YOU SERIOUS, TESSY??
LOL LOL LOL

Tess said...

Totally serious! I almost killed my best friend. We didn't attend the same school, knew each other through church, and he was on some sport team with this guy--begged me to go out with him--I was unattached at the time so I agreed.

First of all I couldn't believe he brought me to the funeral home--I thought maybe he needed to go by for something. It was something alright, he wanted to get me alone. When the double doors flew open and the dead body came in--it was like a godsend--I did know the driver, a friend of my brother (sometimes it's good to be in a huge family), and he brought me home.

Cathleen Ross said...

Kate you really made me laugh. I only ever received one letter and it was from my husband (then boyfriend). He was utterly jealous because I was out with my other boyfriend at the time. I was dating both and for you filthy minds out there I wasn't sleeping with either of them at the time. He'd sat out the front of my place all day waiting for me to get home. Anyway, he made me decide whether I was going to chose him or my other boyfriend. I chose him and 26 years on we're still together. Now he's friends with my former boyfriend. I don't see him but he sees him regularly.
Cathleen Ross
Man Hunt, Black Lace Books

Janine Ashbless said...

Us? Filthy minds?