Misplaced Hymens, Gigantic Members, and Other Pet Peeves

I read extensively in the various genres loosely collected under the umbrella “smut.” From flat-out porn to erotica to erotic romance to mainstream fiction with a spicy slant, it’s probably on my bedside table. Or triple-layered in my bookcases. Or piled up next to my favorite comfy chair. Or on my handheld or laptop so I can read it discreetly at work or while visiting my mom.

If you read enough of any one genre, you’re likely to develop strong likes and dislikes, and I’ve developed quite a list of porno-peeves over the years. I don’t mean particular acts or kinks that turn me off. I can quite happily read a well-written story about something I’d have absolutely no interest in trying, and even things that leave me cold, I’m willing to accept as “not my fantasy, but someone’ll love it.”

No, I’m talking annoying plot devices, clichés, and mistakes that could have been easily fixed.

In no particular order, here are a few things that make me want to toss books around, or at least curse a lot:

Gigantic Members: Okay, big cocks are delightful. Those of us who like boys at all tend to like big, meaty boy-bits, particularly in our erotic-fantasy reading. But I’ve reached the point of being tired of 12-inch, wrist-thick dicks. Which is sad, really, because this is a drool-worthy image. I just think they should be reserved for special occasions, not automatically attached to every hero. (Curiously, I find this tic most in erotic romance. You’d think it would be erotica by and for gay men, but no…while they’ll have loving descriptions of cocks, they’re usually not monsters.)

Random Boinking: This is a contextual problem. In a very short story, say a 1500-word vignette, or something along the lines of Penthouse Letters, I don’t expect a lot in the way of character development or plot or motivation, other than “two or more randy people meet and have wild sex.” If the work has more substance, like an actual story arc and characters who are more than names and “36-24-36” or “Gigantic Throbbing Tool,” I want a little more set-up than that. If two (or more) strangers fall into bed, I’d like a little motivation. Is impulsive sex normal behavior for them? If not, what’s making them take a walk on the wild side now? It doesn’t have to be Love at First Sight—it probably shouldn’t be, unless one character is psychic or something and can somehow sense this random stranger is a potential love of his/her life. It can be simple overwhelming horniness, or loneliness, or something dark and complex and sad. But you have to make me believe in it, especially if it leads the characters into behavior that’s not just wild and hot, but unsafe and reckless.

Virginal Heroines: Everyone has to start somewhere, and the journey of sexual awakening, from curious innocence to bold and horny experience, can be fascinating, especially if the author does a good job portraying the emotional arc as well as the physical one. (I’m looking forward to reading Rachel Kramer Bussel’s novel that she talks about in her April 7 post, for instance. I bet she’ll avoid the clichés.) But lately, half the erotic romances I’ve picked up, maybe more, have had inexperienced heroines. Hello? A little realism here, especially since erotica publishers won’t let us write about fifteen-year-olds.

In a historical, I’ll buy it, but you have to give me a compelling reason that our heroine, in a time period where sex had even more potentially life-altering consequences than it does now, would choose this moment, with this person, to start exploring her sexuality. And please don’t make it just something irresistibly sexy about the potential partner. An amazingly attractive hero (or other heroine, if it’s that’s kind of book) is a good start, but at this turning point of the heroine’s life, the ultimate motive needs to be hers and hers alone.

If it’s contemporary, the author faces a worse challenge. Modern adults face a lot more pressure to have sex than not to. If someone chooses to abstain, the reasons are probably deeply personal and deeply engrained and aren’t going to evaporate just because they meet someone hot. I find the virgin’s progress toward that decision easier to buy in more traditional contemporary romances where there’s a long, teasing journey to sex. In that kind of book, there’s time for the heroine to work through whatever made rollicking sexual intimacy not seem right for her at the book’s opening. Don’t show me your innocent heroine just decide she’s done being a virgin and picking someone random to teach her without some background that lets me believe she’d operate this way.

Sexism isn’t Romantic or Sexy: Speaking of peeves, where are the inexperienced heroes, the shy young men starting their erotic adventures at the hands of a more experienced woman? Certainly they seem to be a no-no in erotic romance, and I don’t see nearly as many of them as I’d like in erotic fiction in general. (Tilly? This sounds like it might be up your alley!) Is that because it’s assumed male virginity is no big deal? That men are supposed to be experienced and teach women? Yawn! Not that the teaching scenario can’t be hot, hot, hot, but I’d like to see it from the other side more often.

In the same vein, dominant alpha males can be sexy in the bedroom, but unless it's a story about a dominant/submissive relationship, where the sub explicitly consented to being bossed around, dominant posturing outside the bedroom can get annoying. Unless it leads to a fight, a realization, and incredibly hot make-up sex, possibly with role reversal.

Getting the Facts Wrong: There’s simply no excuse to get basic facts wrong with the Internet at everyone’s fingertips. Yet I can’t tell you how much “Uh, it doesn’t work like that” stuff I’ve encountered. BDSM sessions that would end in an emergency-room visit. Positions that only Cirque du Soleil acrobats could achieve.

And misplaced hymens.

Hello! If you opt to write about an inexperienced woman enjoying her first vaginal intercourse, please know where the hymen is! It’s not deep inside the vagina, no matter how many times you’ve read this in older romance novels. I swear, someone wrote a really bad deflowering scene, complete with misplaced hymen and pain and buckets of blood, back in 1977 that’s still being rehashed today in otherwise far more sophisticated books.


Unlubed Anal Sex: Do I really need to explain why this bugs me? Especially if it’s in tandem with Gigantic Cocks and Virgins? Ouch!

If it’s a dark, edgy, BDSM-oriented story where the characters decide to play at consensual non-consent and are deliberately courting pain and a certain amount of risk…fine. Might not be to my taste, but I’ll buy it from those characters. But stories where the author just seems to forget the lube? Book goes flying!

So what are your pet erotica peeves?

Eating Cake is Better Than Having It Too: Lusty Lady Licks Us Good

If you haven’t heard of Rachel Kramer Bussel, then you’re likely not reading enough erotica. Rachel, who's also known as Lusty Lady, is the queen of all things erotic, edible and edibly erotic. She’s the author of too many short stories to count, much less name; the editor of books like Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 2 and Glamour Girls; and a contributor to blogs, newspapers, magazines and nearly every other form of readable media out there.

We invited Rachel for cupcakes and diet Coke, and not only did she accept our invite, she let us pester her with a million questions about writing novels, tasty cakes and her newest books dominance-themed collections, He’s On Top and She’s On Top.

(And after the interview, read an excerpt from Teresa Noelle Roberts' short story, “Mark of Ownership,” which is included in She’s On Top. And don't forget to leave a comment--that will automatically sign you up for the free giveaway. Winner gets their choice of He's On Top or She's On Top!)

Lust Bites: What was the idea and/or reason behind doing He's On Top/She's On Top?

Rachel Kramer Bussel: I wanted to look at the eroticism of BDSM and dominant/submissive relationships in a context that wasn’t just about physical prowess. Too often in the media and public imagination, kink is about whips and chains and being harsh and cruel. I’m not saying it can’t be those things, but to me the erotic aspect of BDSM is the give and take, the way the top gives the bottom something they crave and gets something in return. I wanted these books to be ones kinky and non-kinky people could jerk off to and maybe gain a bit of understanding from.

LB: What was the story that surprised you most from the He's On Top/She's on Top collections?

RKB: Teresa Noelle Roberts’s “Mark of Ownership” in She’s on Top, because it had this quality of emotional tenderness while talking about a topic, cutting, that is not my personal cup of tea. It got to the heart of what I wanted to explore in these anthologies, which is how power, within the context of BDSM, isn’t absolute. The story shows how sometimes being the top is the toughest role to play because you have to watch out for your sub’s well-being as well as your own, and sometimes, perhaps, at the expense of your own.

LB: Why He's on Top/She's on Top? Isn't that a bit unfair on those of us who aren't that bothered about who's on top but care mostly about who's on the bottom?

RKB: Funny you should ask, because I am in the process of editing Yes, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female Submission and Male Dominance and Yes, Ma’am: Erotic Stories of Male Submission and Female Dominance, which will tell these stories from the bottom’s point of view (to be published by Cleis in early 2008).

But what was interesting to me is that even though technically these are tales from the top, I found that a good top has to be aware of what their bottom wants. The stories that most connected with me were ones where the tops took total pleasure in messing with their bottoms, while also showing a level of compassion and protection over them. I’m a switch, or rather, I can top or bottom depending on who I’m with and the dynamics of the relationship, and I found myself getting into some stories from the top’s point of view while in some I saw myself as the bottom in the story, but in all of them, there was something that I found arousing and thrilling.

LB: What's your biggest turn-on in a story?

RKB: It’s different in each one but usually there’s a point where the story just hooks me in. Sometimes that happens immediately, and sometimes it takes a while, but at whatever that point is I need to keep reading, even though part of my mind has already formed its own imagery and is running with the story on the page. I’m aroused both physically and intellectually and can’t wait to get to the end so I can start all over again.

LB: You're working on your first novel, right? How is that the same/different from the work you've done before?

RKB: Writing my novel, Everything But…, (to be published by Bantam next summer) is nothing like anything else I’ve ever written before. It’s a whole new level of work and madness, but it’s also giving me the freedom to play around with various characters and have my protagonist, Grace, experience a lot of different feelings and sexual situations, some familiar to me personally and some not. I don’t want to give too much away, but it’s about a virgin’s erotic awakening and how she goes about pursuing sexual fulfillment and trying to find true love.

LB: What's your favorite cake?

RKB: There are so many to choose from! I am a total cupcake aficionado, but I don’t only eat cupcakes. My favorite cupcake sounds boring but really is divine—vanilla/vanilla—but my favorite cake would have to be this chocolate zucchini cake I once had. I don’t have the recipe and have lost touch with the friend who made it, but it was super yummy. I’m much more of a cake than a frosting person, and think most cupcakes have too much frosting, but I also think you can’t really go wrong with a cupcake.

LB: What's the question that no one's ever asked that you wish they would?

RKB: Wow. I don’t know if I know. Maybe “What sleeps with you in your bed?” I think I will just leave that question there and perhaps someday I will answer it.

***

And now on to the excerpt from “Mark of Ownership” by Teresa Noelle Roberts:

This wouldn’t be the first time I’d drawn Ben’s blood. We’d done needle-play a couple of times, starting with one simple play piercing and working up to a fairly elaborate design, laced with colored ribbon, circling his nipples. Each time, I’d been left almost as shaken as he was, riding an endorphin rush of my own and flying so high it was hard for me to pull myself back to self-control and guide his flight home. It wasn’t the blood itself, although the effect of the ruby droplets against his chocolate skin was mesmerizing. It was the rush of absolute power, that someone would lie down and let me open the envelope of his skin.

Absolute power on my side, absolute trust on his, for those moments.

I’d never cut him before, but we’d talked about it, excitedly, almost obsessively.

It was as close as we ever came to talking about love.

***

That's all folks! Thanks for stopping by. Take another cupcake on your way out, and leave a comment at the door--you just might win your very own copy of He's or She's On Top!

Special Saturday Post - with cupcakes!

I'm excited, because it's Friday. But also because tomorrow we have an extra special guest - the divine Rachel Kramer Bussel will be joining us for an interview.

Editor, author and sex writer extraordinaire, Rachel's credits include editing Penthouse and various anthologies. She has erotic stories in over 80 books, with a lot of Bests in the titles, and she is the editor of the 'Naughty Spanking Series' books published by Pretty Things Press.

Join us tomorrow to welcome Rachel to Lustbites, and to hear more about her new duo of dominant themed anthologies: 'He's on Top' and 'She's on Top', published by Cleis Press. I believe we'll have a copy to give away, and I'm hoping cupcakes may be involved somehow...Don't miss it!

http://www.rachelkramerbussel.com/

Shanna's Famous!

Our own lovely LustBiter, Shanna Germain, is interviewed on Susie Bright's blog!

Check out the informative interview and the delicious excerpt from Shanna's sexy story, "Entry Point," featured in BAE 2007.

My personal feeling is that Shanna's going to be famous for a lot longer than 15 minutes!

Blue Boys and a Public Service Announcement

Inspired by Madelynne's super sexy post from Dark Designs, it occurred to me that I'd got a hot boy on boy scene in my latest release, the reprinted GOTHIC BLUE... So after a quick skim through it, I found this intense encounter between the mysterious and powerful Count André Von Kastel, and Jonathan, the rather confused boyfriend of the heroine, Belinda. While Belinda is out in the garden, up to heaven knows what with Japanese beauty Michiko, Jonathan finds himself alone with the seductive Count... and at his mercy.

Now read on...

‘The idea of Belinda with another woman is new to you, is it not?’ the Count continued, ‘And puzzling... You wonder why you do not feel more jealous.’

‘I... I’m not sure what I...’ Jonathan faltered, swirling his glass then lifting it to his lips, trying desperately to analyse his feelings. About Belinda. About Michiko. About all the strange revelations... About the man with whom he was sitting and drinking. The man who suddenly seemed far closer than he had a moment ago. So close that their thighs were almost touching. So close that he could see the toned shape of the musculature beneath André’s tight, faded denims... and the size of the firm bulge at his crotch.

With brandy in his mouth, Jonathan spluttered furiously and felt himself choke and start to cough, his face turning a bright, blushing red. Eyes watering, chest heaving, he felt his brandy glass removed deftly from his hand, and the impact of a solid, well-placed thump against his back. He coughed again, gratefully this time, and suddenly found he could breathe deeply and evenly.

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered, wiping his bleary eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. ‘Maybe I’ve had too much to drink.’

‘Perhaps you have not yet had enough?’ countered André, and Jonathan felt the hand that had struck him stroke his back.

The caress was so light and innocuous it was almost illusory, but coming after the realisation of a moment ago, it made Jonathan start to shake and blush again.

‘Here, but drink slowly this time.’ André held out the refilled brandy glass, ‘Sip by sip.’

When Jonathan took hold of the fat, rounded glass, he was alarmed to feel André’s hand curve around his, lifting the drink to his mouth. The Count’s skin was extraordinarily cool, yet its very coldness was exotic and exciting, and sent a thrill through Jonathan’s shocked body.

I can’t be feeling this! thought Jonathan helplessly, feeling it anyway. He’s two hundred years old... I don’t know him... Dear God in heaven, he’s a man! He’s a man!

‘Sip,’ André urged again, his free hand returning to Jonathan’s burning back.

Jonathan sipped. Far faster than was wise, but he was desperate for some kind of anaesthesia. He was experiencing something he had never felt before. Never in his wildest dreams or darkest nightmares expected to feel, and the worst part was that it was ravishingly delicious. The brandy seemed to be having no effect on him whatsoever, but as he was allowed to take a breath, André’s cologne made his head whirl. It was the smell of roses, and a sharp visceral musk.

‘Think of Belinda and Michiko,’ whispered the Count in his ear, ‘Imagine them together.’ That long cool hand was still on his back, moving a little, rubbing him through the cotton of his shirt, ‘How does that make you feel?’

‘I don’t know!’ cried Jonathan, horrified by the strange sound of his own voice. Its shrillness... Its girlishness...

‘Does the idea of same-sex love repel you?’ André’s voice was deep now, very masculine and cajoling. ‘Surely not...’ The final two words were not a question, but an observation - and not one about Belinda and Michiko.

I’m being seduced, thought Jonathan. Just as Belinda was, here on this couch. And for all her single mindedness and all her steadfast resistance of any kind of exploitation, she succumbed to this man within moments of meeting him.

‘Jonathan?’ prompted André gently, his hand still now, and so chilling through Jonathan’s lightweight shirt.

‘I don’t know,’ repeated Jonathan, feeling all broken apart, but somehow strangely resigned. He looked up, staring into the middle distance, intensely aware of the alluring figure beside him, yet knowing it was he, himself, who had the choice.

‘Look! Get it over with, if you’re going to,’ he said suddenly, unable to cope with the growing tension any more. If André made a move, and it was thoroughly repellent, well, at least he would know. He would know, and he could leap up and flee the room as fast as his feet would carry him. And if it wasn’t? He couldn’t know until the moment.

‘It is your choice,’ said André quietly, as if he had viewed the brief debate in Jonathan’s mind. Maybe he had?

Jonathan turned his face, and found his lips just inches from his companion’s. He could smell the brandied sweetness of André’s breath and almost drown in the aquamarine pools of his eyes.

He’s so beautiful, thought Jonathan. He attracts me. I want him. But my body doesn’t quite know how I want him... He shuddered, filled with thoughts and fears of buggery. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ he said, his voice extraordinarily small.

‘Do not worry,’ said André, reaching up and undoing the thong that tied his striated locks back, ‘I know everything we need to know.’

Jonathan bit his lip to restrain a gasp, a sigh. André’s hair was soft, thick, and shiny despite its peculiar coloration. Jonathan felt a strong urge to bury his hands in it.

‘Go ahead, do it,’ urged André.

His breathing shallow, his heart racing, Jonathan put up his hands and slid them up through André’s silky tresses until he was cradling the other man’s head. He watched André’s lips part, almost in ecstasy, revealing the soft rosy interior of his mouth. Without thinking, Jonathan lunged forward and kissed him.

It’s just like kissing a woman, he thought, feeling André’s strong, slender arms come around him. The sensations were the same: velvety lips under his, parting provocatively and admitting his tongue. He was so used to kissing like a man - probing strongly and taking the initiative - that he continued to do so, while André seemed perfectly happy to let him, relaxing back on to the settee and drawing him down.

‘Mmmm...’ murmured the Count as they broke apart for a moment, and he reached up to touch Jonathan’s chin. ‘Not so bad, is it?’ He smiled, and then took Jonathan’s hand, from where it still held his head, turning his face so he could moistly kiss its palm.

‘No... no, it isn’t,’ stammered Jonathan, disconcerted as André surged up against him, kissed him again, and at the same time began unfastening his shirt buttons. Before he knew it, the garment was open to the waist, and the loose tails pulled out, then André was shimmying along beneath him and sucking at his nipple. He felt the Count’s teeth close wickedly and he groaned.

Jonathan had always had sensitive nipples and loved to have them played with and nibbled. For a moment, he thought of Belinda, and how beautifully she did this for him, but the next instant he was dragged back to reality, his body excited by the extra layer of piquancy that having a man’s mouth on him created.

Gothic Blue is available from Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk

And you can find more frisky extracts [although not m/m] here and here.

nb. Mansnogs courtesy of The Velocity of Vincent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now... a SEX IN PUBLIC service announcement!



Just to remind American readers that...

WICKED WORDS: SEX... IN PUBLIC is now available!

To celebrate the US publication of this selection of exhibitionist frolics we're giving away a copy of SIP... and I'm topping that off with a copy of GOTHIC BLUE too! To be eligible for this splendiferous two-book mini-prize, just leave a comment about this post... whether about SIP *or* GOTHIC BLUE... and in a couple of week's time, we'll randomly draw one name from the list of commenters and announce the winner here so they can contact us for their prize.

For more fascinating facts about SEX... IN PUBLIC check out this archived post, and to buy the book, either whiz over to Amazon.co.uk or Amazon.com

I thank you for your kind attention... :)

WendyPortia aka Portia Da Costa
Dowager Duchess and Mad Old Woman of Black Lace
Visit my Weblog :: Visit my Website :: Read Saucy Extracts

Naked is as Naked Does

Pop the champagne!
The winner of the Sex & Fashion drawing is Terri.
Please email msalisontyler at yahoo dot com with your mailing address, and I'll ship the copy of Naked Erotica out to you asap!

Cheers,
Alison

Eek! It's an ebook!

Sorry, no cowboys this time, only a discussion on those peculiar pieces of internet fiction called e-books and an extract from my latest, "Antonia's Bargain" about a bisexual Regency rake. Just in case you were wondering, the cover to the left is from my futuristic e-book about a planet full of intergalactic Vikings. It's very popular with the ladies, God knows why.

Back to e-books-What are they, why are they good, and more importantly, can you make any money out of them?

I write e-books for Ellora's Cave who specialize in erotic romance. EC was founded by a writer called Tina Engler who couldn't find anyone to publish her steamy stories so set up her own publishing company at her kitchen table. Tina's done good. She realized there was a growing audience in the U.S. of women who were interested in reading more erotic stories but didn't necessarily want to go into a bookstore and be treated like sinners for wanting to read smut.

People often ask me, in a kind of patronizing way, whether I self-published my EC books and had to provide cover art etc. No, I didn't. Some internet publishers are very sophisticated and do all that for you. EC sell a phenomenal amount of downloads a month and reported first-quarter sales in 2006 of 200,000 e-books. 200,000 ain't bad is it?

The main thing that appealed to me about EC when I submitted my first story to them back in 2005, was that I could write as hot as I liked and they loved it. They also take manuscripts of all different lengths (naturally) and didn't mind that my first book "Eden's Pleasure" was only 27,000 words long.

Originally, a lot of people looked down on internet publishers as kind of a showcase for writers who weren't good enough to get published anywhere else. And yes, some online publishers are like that, but not all of them. The covers can sometimes be a bit leery but they are also improving. (mine aren't too bad are they?)

Other nice things about writing for an e-book publisher, your books come out quickly, you get paid monthly and the royalty rate is substantially higher (37.5% of cover price for my EC books)And yeah, I sell a few, on average, a thousand copies in the first 6 weeks.



Another good reason for writing for EC is that they let me write pretty much what I want. My latest, "Antonia's Bargain" a Regency set erotic romance has a bisexual hero, m/m, f/m/f, m/f/m and a lot of other delicious stuff going on in it all in only 40,000 words.

Here's a short extract:

“The interesting thing is, I think I have found what I want.”
Peter cupped Gideon’s balls. “A man or a woman?”
Gideon reached across to slide his fingers beneath the open neck of Peter’s shirt. He tugged gently on his nipple ring. “A woman who only chooses to acknowledge me when she is dressed as a man. Take off your shirt.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised. A woman masquerading as a man would suit you perfectly.”
Gideon raised an eyebrow as Peter continued. “I know you’ve chosen to bed mostly men in the last few years, but I’ve never believed your heart was in it.”
“You haven’t?”
“Just because you’ve tried to convince yourself that you prefer men, doesn’t mean that it is the truth.”
“And how would you know this?”
Peter locked gazes with him as he removed his shirt to display his lean muscular chest and scarred skin. “Because I spent ten years of my life in a Turkish brothel and I’ve been in every sexual situation imaginable. You use men because you believe they can’t hurt you like Caroline did. If you truly preferred men, you’d let them fuck you as well and you don’t.”
“Perhaps I’m one of those men who believe that if they don’t allow themselves to be fucked, it means they aren’t a sodomite.”
“You’re not like that.”

Like the sound of it? then be brave, experience your first e-book and let me know if you enjoyed it! It's available to download here

And if you reply to this post, and have an opinion on e-books, you can win a copy of your very own...