Monday, June 9, 2008


by Janine Ashbless

Yes, I do: I love pirates. Not real ones, of course. Not the drunken murderous disease-ridden bastards with dental hygiene that would make you heave. Fictional pirates. The ones in films and books and TV. The ones that go "Aar!" a lot.

And why do I love pirates? Well, here's Exhibit A (You knew he was going to turn up so let's get it over with).

I like the flamboyance. I like the fact men can wear make-up and really sexy clothes and strut about showing off. In fact I reckon Pirates is really Camp for Straight Men.

I like the swords and the swashbuckling. I like the accent: I can't do any accent except the pirate one, which I could keep up all day.

Aar, Jim lad.

And most of all I love the tough scary pirate women who get to hang out with the guys and act in a most unladylike manner.

But for me it goes back further than Pirates of the Caribbean. To Cutthroat Island, which is universally derided as a Very Bad Film - but OH! GEENA DAVIS IN THAT DRESS!

I loved that dress, with or without Pirate Morgan in it. I loved it so much I had a version of it made and have worn it to a number of events and conventions. It suits me. It may be the only style of clothing that suits me. (And the rule with that dress? No knickers.)

But pirate clothing suits everyone. Even quite ugly people become strangely cute in pirate costume.

In fact when I rule the world dressing like a pirate is going to be compulsory.

And pirates always look like they're having fun (except when marooned). I mean, doesn't this just look like the most fun in the whole wide world?

Oops - are we allowed to post that kind of picture on Lust Bites? That's a still from the imaginatively-titled Pirates, which at $1 million was the most expensive high-production-value porn film ever made. Previous pirate films tended to be a bit tamer...

Have I mentioned singing yet? Once you get them on the grog, pirates love to have a bit of a sing-song. This one at right sings for the New York Opera:

And as for the Pirates of Penzance, you just can't shut them up. (Seriously - watch all that Youtube clip: it grows increasingly mind-boggling as it goes along.)

So let me know if you love pirates too!

And if you want to see a picture of me in my costume it's just over here on my blog.

Yo ho ho! Beware, me hearties -
I don't go for mutinous parties.
Fifteen men that I love best
Would walk the plank at my behest.
(Fifteen men? Yowzah! Picture is from Esquire, January 1960)

Captain Hook: so good I pictured him twice.

Do you think those leggings are a little on the tight side, though?

Website : Blog


Anonymous said...

Speaking as someone who has bought eye patches for boyfriends (try the chemist), I have to agree with you. Not sure if I would want to stand around and watch wench on wench action, though... seems like a terrible waste of pirate booty to me!

Meanwhile this article by an ex Magic Kingdom Captain Jack is rather fun. Janine, you are not alone

Nikki Magennis said...

Ha - Janine, you put so many pirates up the pictures have spilled over into the rest of the blog!

Love it. Love the whole renegade attitood and especially the leggings.

(Believe it or not, I used to be insured against pirates.)

Erastes said...


Oh I think I've died and gone to HEAVEN.

As long as heaven is a piratey Valhalla-style hall full of grog-swilling brigands shouting non-pc slogans such as "AVAST BEHIND" and "ROGER THE CABIN BOY"

"And really bad eggs,
Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!"

And what? No mention of INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY? It's the best holiday in the year!

Janine Ashbless said...

Mat - that's one fascinating and scary article. Disney fascists! (And I'd hump that guy's leg too.)

I figure the wench-on-wench action is just the opener for the main course...

Dammit Nikki; I tried but I just couldn't get those pirates under control!

Janine Ashbless said...

ITLP day 19th Sept, Erastes?

Okay, it's a date!

Eloise said...

And, of course, your "Arrr, Jim lad" accent is all courtesy of Robert Newton, the first person to play Long John Silver in a Talkie.

As a complete aside to sex for a minute, except in as much as Janine finds smart men sexy, if you're a fan of QI there is an enormous amount of detail about it on wikipedia. You can find out about the E-series which mentioned Robert Newton over here,

Portia Da Costa said...

I love Johnny as Captain Jack, but I saw the Pirates of Penzance movie on the telly not so long ago, and was much taken with Kevin Klein as the Pirate King.

Lots of billowy white shirt and hairy chest action... :)

Megan Kerr said...

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrhh...

Rolls around laughing

Janine - that dress - would it be out of place to say "Pwhoargh..."
What would a pirate say? Or is "arrhh" pretty all-purpose?

Excellent taste in pirates; that eye-patched one next to the Pirates of Penzance pic is deeply sexy. Intent in his eyes and all that, he can throw me over his shoulder any day...

And WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE did you get the pic of Johnny & Orlando as piratical pervs? Want! More! Now!

Megan Kerr said...

P.S. These bloody hams on Youtube are still singing and prancing about... how LONG does this continue?

Megan Kerr said...

Oh bugger I think I broke the post.

What is our motto? "If it's not broke, don't fix it."

Olivia Knight said...

Okay, it's working again... Any layout-blips are now officially My Fault.

t'Sade said...

I love me some pirates. Now, in our household we have the theme "pirate loves ninja" which was a joke from a computer game. My lovely mate considers herself a pirate through and through. Her genology includes a few pirates (some that actually didn't live through the justice system apparently).

So, that makes me the ninja. Which is funny, because I'm not very ninja like, except for the walking quietly and playing tag with the kitties.

But, there is something about pirates that really get me going. I had one in my novel (Mummy's Girl, gotta plug). I also shopped around for a novel called "Pirate Queen in a G-string" that I keep hoping to finish. And that other romance between the girl who ends up a pirate and her love interest ends up the "good guy". In the end, the pirate wins.

Yeah, I like the pirate girls. :D Boys too, but everyone here lusts after Mr. Sparrow, so got to aim for other things. That and one of those defining moments in our lives with Fluffy and me was going to Disney World and seeing the pirate show, and both of us falling for the pirate queen... oh, I wish that turned into a threesome, even ten years later.

We also sighed in the third Pirates movie when Turner comes back and Fluffy leaned over to whisper to me, "How does dying make someone hotter?" And I had to agree.

Janine Ashbless said...

Bloody pirates - they're all over the blog refusing to do what they're told!
My fault entirely as per usual.

Thank-you for the "phwoar"!

Madeline Moore said...

Great post Janine. Perfect for a Monday. And you cut a fine figure in your pirate dress. Avarst!

I don't want to even begin to analyze the reasons why we all lust after Jack Sparrow - dirty, crazy, bad teeth...and yet...Johnny's sexiest look yet. Could it really be the eyeliner? Or is it just ... I analyzing?

Yeah, he's my favourite pirate. Felix 'encouraged' me to watch 'Pirates of Penzance' and I was more taken by Kevin Kline than I've been willing to admit...until now...Damn! More confessions I'll probably live to regret, especially if Felix reads this and 'encourages' me to watch POP again.

Maybe it's the insanity and the pirate loot that makes us hot. Or maybe the 'Oh bad pirate, you're not really going to make me do THAT...are you?' Sigh.

Janine Ashbless said...

Bwa ha ha ...
Lust Bites: the place writers confess their darkest secrets...

Unknown said...

I don't know where to start! Captain Pugwash, Pirates of Penzance, all those pirates standing around watching 2 women...
What a great start to the week!!
and most importantly, where can I get a pair of those knickers??

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

I can one-up ya on the Pirates of Penzance thing, Portia: I actually got to see Kevin Kline on Broadway in that role when I was in high school! And yeah, it was that good.

::pauses while you all seethe and loathe me::

Also, I can recommend an earlier (but not nearly as beautiful) pirate porn movie that had an amazing girl/girl scene involving a strand of pearls... Unfortunately, I cannot for my life remember the name. It was from the early/mid-90s, I think.

Our local SCA group holds a pirate tournament every year, so I get to indulge in my inner wench on an annual basis. Last year's pictures are here for those interested.

Anonymous said...

Kevin Klein as the Pirate King was my first real lust. I still haven't gotten over the look of men in tight black pants and fluffy white shirts.

Janine Ashbless said...

Thanks for giving us a look at your photos Dayle - All the pirate conventions seem to be in the States. :-(
I'd love to go to one!

I'll just have to settle for buying that Kevin Kline film. I never knew it had influenced so many people!

ev said...

What?? No Errol Flynn??

My daughter wants to know where to get the undies. It matches her tattoo. She wore a wench dress for her senior prom.

the arrgghhh is all in the tone of voice in what it conveys.

Nadir said...

Oh, my little heart is going pitter-pat. What a lovely article to stumble upon. Thank-you for sharing the lovely sea-dogs with us!

Janine Ashbless said...

Aar, curses - I kept no record of where the picture of the undies came from.
Begging your pardon, shipmates...

Megan Kerr said...

Here are some.

Just call me First Mate and shiver me timbers...

Now stop distracting me with pirates, Captain, I'm trying to write!

Madeline Moore said...

According to the pirate name generator at the link Olivia so kindly provided - I'm Sandy McLifetaker. Hmmmm....

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

Here's another great site. I want the Plunder Bunny shirt!

ev said...

My name is Christine McKracken. LOL

Both of these sites are going to get me into trouble. I just know it.

I want the wench shirt.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, I was away and missed the pirates, Janine. I am so sorry.

I just love pirates my new historical was going to be about Pirates - well it is about Pirates - it just isn't going to be published by Black Lace as there aren't going to be any more historicals!!

There is just something so sexy about men dressed like that. Johnny Depp, yummy. Orlando Bloom even yummier at the end of Pirates 3 when he becomes captain of the Flying Dutchman.

Anonymous said...

I apologize for the late response.
It has been some time since I've posted here but due to the intensity of my fondness of the subject matter, I felt compelled to comment.

Yes, yes, yes I love pirates! I always have liked their flair for fashion, adventure and the way they meander around the rules.

As much as I have always liked them, nothing could have prepared me for the unending lust fest that Johnny Depp started with Captain Jack Sparrow. He is roguish perfection in that white gauzey shirt, with that irresistible smile and that voice of lusty decadence. If only my dream of an "R" rated Pirates of the Caribbean could be realized. If I had my way, the gorgeous Captain Sparrow and his saucy wenches would have all kinds of sexy adventures!

Cheers to you for visiting one of my very favorite topics.I don't know if it was intentional but your post was appropriately timed... June 9 was Johnny Depp's 45th birthday.

Here's hoping that the fascination with pirates lives on!


Helen said...

Just got back from a trip to Disney World, and guess who we saw there? Captain Jack! He did a whole routine with a bunch of kids from the audience, and now my five-year-old is an official pirate apprentice. And no, she will not be reading this blog anytime soon ;)

Ah, pirates. It's really not that far from Treasure Island to Pleasure Island, is it? Argh!

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

I know this is late but hopefully ya'll will see it--I remembered the name of the pirate porn movie with the strand of pearls! Conquest!

Jo said...

Excellent work, Pirate Janine!

Where can I get that viedeo?

If you were on Facebook, you could join the group, 'Fuck this, I want to be a Pirate'.

And I'll share a pirate knock knock joke, though it doesn't work in print.

-knock knock
Who's there?
-interrupting Pirate.
Interrupting Pirate wh....
-(Interrupting) AARRRR!

ev said...

Cute joke and I will need to find that flick.

Does it say something that a week later we are stil on the pirates.

And is there really a facebook group by that name? I will need to find it!!

Angell said...

Excellent interview - thanks for posting Mathilde. I knew that with my love for Disney, working there would be a mistake, and I was right - thank God I tore up that application.

I LOVE PIRATES. It all started with this cheesy, funny spoof on the Pirates of Penzance called The Pirate Movie - it starred Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichol - and to this day it remains one of my favourites.

And of course, there's Johnny - and Orlando - and there's even something weirdly sexy about Geoffrey Rush as Barbosa.

But I'm surprised that none of you ladies have mentioned the lovely Keira Knightly as CAPTAIN SWANN. When she gives that speech before the battle in POTC 3 - and then says "Gentlemen, hoist the colours." God I never wanted to be a pirate so much in my life. Of course there's always that divine shot of Will & Elizabeth at the end, where he asks for his other boot. (I WANT that dress). When he kisses her knee and rests his head there, MY knee (and other parts) tingle.

Kevin Kline as the Pirate the tight pants. Those had a starring role in many of my naughty dreams.